2006-04-07 - 3:09 p.m.

I actually saw the elephant there about a week ago. My plan of staring at my stone until it became obvious what was inside it, what I was supposed to cut out, worked. I paused for a just a moment one day as I walked by and laughed with delight, because, dude. There was an elephant.

I need to finish making sandbags before I can start cutting it out. Give me a year. Then I'll have an alabaster elephant, more or less.

oOoOo

Also, The News:

For those of you who haven't heard yet, I passed the test to join Mensa. I'm a certified genius, in the technical definition of the word. I score 98th percentile or above. In a random roomful of 100 people, chances are only one is of equal or higher intelligence than me.

What a great thing to know.

What a horrible thing to know.

I can't bring this up to anyone. After the initial excitement, and announcing of Mensa eligibility, I have been unable to speak of this to anyone except Michael, and then only in the privacy of our bedroom. No one has reacted negatively. No one has, at least to me, remarked upon this measure of me as though it were a reflective measure of them. My roommate Ellen even shrieked, "What do you know?! I'm living with a genius!"

People are happy. No one has tried to make me feel anything other than proud, or normal. My roommates congratulated me about this, and then teased me about it like they would with anything else. But I feel as though I should apologize.

A year and a half ago when the 2004-2005 community started, with the 6:1 ratio of female to male, St. Fran asked me in front of the rest of the ladies how I felt about being married to the only man. I got sheepish, which caused demands from around the room of, "Oh, just say it!" like I was going to say something insulting. So I said it. I admited that I really felt like, "Woo-hoo! I got him!"

They laughed.

I said, "And then I feel guilty about it." Sr. Fran told me not to feel guilty or apologize for my relationship to Michael-- I absolutely should be happy about it.

So is this kind of the same thing? Apologizing for having/being something good? I think, well, maybe I should brag about this. I should be proud.

I think, no one likes a braggart.

I think, god I gotta get over this. Why should I care what the hell other people think about who I am?

oOoOo

Also, The Calling:

Some of you know I've been discerning a call to ministry over this past year. It took awhile for me to even admit to myself that this might be what it is, and I'm thoroughly confused as to what to do about it.

I realize now that I never considered becoming a minister before because it really was never offered to me as an option while I was growing up-- in the Catholic Church, I'm lacking the necessary body parts.

This past fall, right around the time that it occurred to me how very absurd it is that the Church hasn't gotten over the whole "boy's club" of the priesthood, I began speaking with my roommate Dan about his own future in the seminary. He's Protestant. Seminary is very different in a variety of ways, including that women can go. I realized as we talked about his calling, that I feel the same way. It's why I got into missionary work, but I feel like there is so much more I could be doing, if only...

Some people might see the obvious answer being that I go to a Protestant seminary and become a Protestant minister. But there's more to this puzzle.

In my long search for truth in spirituality, in religion, in faith, I've studied to some extent a variety of faith traditions, religions, and alternative forms of spirituality. This has left me with a personal faith, religion, and spirituality that does not conform to anything.

How could I be a Christian minister at all if I also believe and practice parts of Buddhism, Judaism, Islam, Native American traditions, and Paganism (including Wicca and others)?

Is there an education or training option for mutt spiritualities?

And, god, who can I talk to about this? I certainly can't go to the Catholic priests I know and say, hey, I think maybe I ought to go to a protestant seminary except that I'm also part pagan. And I feel weird about becoming a pagan minister too, as Christian as I am (knowing how many pagans have problems with christians, and knowing how christians would shy away from me anyway, making my roles of minister a bit moot.)

Anyway, opinions? Advice? Ideas?

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