2006-03-16 - 12:24 p.m. My aunt wrote me recently and, among other things, mentioned that she had grown up in my mom's shadow, adding that my mom was a pretty tough act to follow. I know my mom grew up with a sort of envy/exasperation where my aunt was concerned, not that she ever specifically stated as much. My mom also felt she was in the shadow of my other aunts, and especially my uncle-- even though he was younger, he was THE BOY, and therefore held in a higher level of esteem. Also, he grew up to be the beloved priest of Memphis, and now, the beloved bishop of Little Rock.I grew up in my brother's shadow, first and foremost. It didn't matter how smart my sisters and I were, because my brother was the genius. It didn't matter if we all did better at him in school, because he just wasn't challenged to try. It didn't matter that we all did better than him in college, because he went to West Point for chrisakes. Our intelligence or academic achievements were never much noted, but my dad still brags about his son the genius. My younger sister was so normal and popular, and it both made me sick and it made me jealous with wonderment-- how the hell could she just DO that? Fit into every social event and occassion like there was nothing to it? Mom told me at one point that Mary had to do that, because she grew up in my shadow-- the eccentric freak. Mary felt she had to prove that she could fit in because that was the only thing I never did before her. What else was left but to be normal? Mary told me once she was envious because I'd dated so much, and she so little, and she felt that that was because I was better with boys or something like that. I admitted in return that I'd always been jealous that she dated so little, because she always stood on her own as a result of it. My sister Anna was the epitome of the 80's to me-- cool and punked out with great music and neat friends, and smart and funny and so much higher and better than me. As I've grown up and the five years between our ages became less of a distance, I've realized that she's actually rather reserved, and has never seemed to think as highly of herself as I have of her. Maybe she grew up in her own shadow. I'm thinking about this kind of thing a lot because I've realized that I'm so highly critical of myself nowadays. I have absolutely no self-esteem, when taken on a whole. Any compliment I might receive is immediately followed in my head by a snort or a qualifier. I'm smart-- but not as smart as... Pretty, but only when I try... Funny, but ultimately lame and lacking wit. I compare myself, negatively, to others endlessly. I wait for compliments, probably fish for them, because I love the outside reinforcement, but I don't really believe any of it. It's just nice for the moment. That's what I'm working on right now, feeling good about myself again, so that I can get past this funk. Believing that I have good things to offer, that I'm not endlessly hopeless and dull. That someone could look at me and like me for who I am. It's weird to go through this. And no, don't send me letters of affirmation. I won't believe them anyway, and it'll just make me feel bad because I'll feel like I was basically crying out for them to be sent. I just wanted to share that this is my new project when it comes to myself.
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