2005-06-07 - 1:38 p.m.

I've been considering it for months, ever since I discovered for sure that my teacher from a few years ago was a manipulative and unethical person and that I could not necessarily trust anything that I learned or experienced during that time. And that was quite a blow. Losing faith in the man is one thing, but losing faith in spiritual experiences of that time and since that time (because they were built on that time) was just... harsh.

Anyway, I decided a few days ago that no, I really don't believe in religions. In fact, I'm pretty sure that most religions are just made up by people, and the more institutionalized they come, the farther they move from whatever truth upon which they were originally founded. But I realized that that did not mean that I had to no longer believe in god... just that I can't believe there is truth necessarily behind the stories or teachings of modern day religions institutions.

So I believe in god, in some form, but not in relgion.

Well. This morning on the way to work, I thought, well, okay. If I believe in god, I guess I'd better try to figure out what sort of god I believe in.

And here's when it hit me.

The assumption that god is good is absurd because all the evidence points to the contrary.

Whether there is one god or many, it or they have to be *at least* as capable of evil as people, when you consider all the natural violence that happens, coupled with all the human-made violence that is allowed. The earth itself is capable of evil. People, animals, hell, probably even plants, are capable of evil. So WHY exactly do we cling to this idea of a good god?

Why does god have to be good? Why is that comforting? If god is really so good, then I'm screwed because i'm not, and there's no way it's gonna let me into 'heaven' to live with it after I die. No way.

Probably god or gods are very similar to humans in that it has all these motives and reasons and excuses for everything that it does, but these things probably have very little to do with us, as a race and as individuals. I can see, especially if there are multiple gods all struggling with each other, that sometimes one will take pity and help one of us at the expense of another.

But if there are multiple gods, who all work with multiple motives, I really have to accept the possibility that some, or even most, or maybe even all of them... don't like me. And don't like people in general. And maybe even hate us. Maybe even hate me. Despise me. Of course, some of them could love us, love me. Some of them could be indifferent. Or if there's only one... maybe it feels all of those things. Or maybe the one all-powerful god hates us. Maybe god hates me. Could I really blame it? Could I blame them?

so there you go. I believe in god, and maybe it hates me. not because i'm a bad person necessarily, but just because humans in general suck.

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