2005-02-09 - 12:35 p.m. Today is ash wednesday, and thus begins the season of death in the catholic church.Except that no one really sees it that way. We focus on abstaining from meat on certain days, and giving up chocolate or coffee or some other minor vice, but no one ever seems to bring up that this is a yearly ritual in which catholics, and christians of other denominations, kill their god. And not only kill him, but torture him first, calling him a liar and treating him worse than a common killer, and in fact calling that common killer back into our ranks rather than deal with a god walking amongst us. What does this all say about us? And what does it say that I, a Buddhist Pagan Catholic find this to be a fantastic time for soul-searching, for calling the truth to me, for see the truth about myself. I called back my owl familiar to me. He had gone to air realm but I called him back. And I used his enemies to do so. What kind of person am I? I've been thinking a lot lately about the fact that their comes a time that unity is more destructive than separation--when the unity is forced and held by fear and threats and false ideals and blood. I think it might be better for the world if we could all just leave each other be. Why does everyone have to be democratic? Why did I have to use the crows to call my owl? Lent lasts forty days. Forty days in the desert, and oh my god(s), I feel called to the desert. I have been to the frozen city and it is wonderful, but now I feel pulled to dry, hot air. It, too, will be so unlike what I am used to. I am sure that is where we will be this fall. I feel it all throughout me. It's strange that I was told to go to Peru, but never felt a specific reason for it. But that search for a way to Peru has led me to Arizona and New Mexico. We haven't even finished the applications for this place, but I'm sure all the way through that this is where we will be. But for now, I think about death and new life, and what the two have in common. I dreamed last night of zombies. I'm not afraid of death anymore. I am afraid, however, of undeath. It was a funny thought to wake up to, to begin the Catholic Season of Death.
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