2003-03-20 - 11:25 a.m.

On the way out, I noted that there was no moon in the sky, which I didn't like at all. I didn't get a great tip, and the people acted kind of weird, but ah well.

Pulling out of their neighborhood, I saw it- Full moon on the horizon- huge, maybe four times larger than normal, and red as blood.

I thought, "Well, I guess it will start tonight." But then I thought, "Don't be superstitious, Kati. Just enjoy the full moon."

It rose, turning deep orange. Then it dipped out of sight under some clouds that seemingly appeared out of nowhere. They sky was dark except for a few stars once again.

Then I was heading out to Chelsea Place, which if you're not from Murfreesboro, you might not be aware that it's a Vortex of Evil. Turning onto Tennessee, the music stopped and the DJ got on and said he was watching Fox news ("fascist," I thought) and that there were reports of air raid sirens over Baghdad and unconfirmed reports of anti-aircraft fire and explosions.

I switched the station to NPR, my hands shaking. "Is it real? Are they really doing it, or is Fox just playing up nothing because they're idiots?" But it was just classical music.

The ideas of war and all that that encompassed swam in my head. I wondered whether my brother had gotten his assignment yet, if he was in Kuwait, or somewhere in the US. I walked up to the apartment of a former roommate of a coworker. I don't know his name, but we always chat. I think he has a crush on me. I asked him if he was watching the news by any chance. He said, no, he watched earlier and nothing had happened, so I told him about the unconfirmed reports as I took his credit card to make an imprint. My hands were shaking. I fumbled with the receipts and felt like and idiot. My nose had started to run and I could feel my face getting ruddy, puffy, like I was about to cry.

Next delivery was on campus. Two dozen people were crowded into the lobby of Shardt Hall, listening to the radio for reports, argueing politics. I joined in for the moment, came up with a new theory.

"Who would want to shoot people they're going to be giving humanitarian aide to anyway?" asked the Asian-American boy behind the front desk.

And I realized how hard war must be nowadays. You can't just get on the air and say, these people are evil. They want to kill you. Their soldiers are cold-blooded killers. Their people have hearts of stone.

The Iraqis are just not hated like the Japanese and the Germans were in WWII, or the Russians were in the Cold War. People don't buy stuff like that.

You'd have to be very careful to call only their governments evil, not the people. Give the soldiers leaflets saying drop your weapons and turn your tank turretts- give them chances. All those who don't are obviously evil like the gov't. Tell the citizens this is not about them, this is for them. Their liberation is at hand.

Goddamn I would hate to be a soldier in this war.

The night was long, and I won't replay any more of it in detail, but here are some things that I've decided:

* I read and heard snippets of the speaches given by Gore, Lieberman, Daschle, and Kerry, and they're all right. The time to say no to war is gone. We can still want peace, and we can talk up a speedy end to the war, but we can't divert what has already happened. It has begun.

* They were right, too, I think, that they should not be talking down the Bush administration or American foreign policy in general at this time. However, I am not a politician, and Bush is a war-mongering idiot. And American foreign policy sucks.

* This war is not for the liberation of the Iraqi people. It is not for the spread of democracy. It is not an anti-terrorist action. It is emperialism, plain and simple. I do not agree with this war. However, I cannot stop it, so that is all I can say or do at this time. I understand and condone those people who will partake in actions of civil disobedience. This will show our government and the world that our government is not acting on behalf of all of its people. It will show those who support the war that that is not the only point of view out there. Nothing has changed. I will probably go to a few peace rallies, but that is no longer my point.

* My point is that we should strive for the best possible outcome of this war, regardless that we don't support it, or maybe especially because we don't support it. I look for the liberation of the Iraqi people from a dictator that keeps them in poverty, allows and continues their suffering. I look for the later establishment of a government by the IRAQI PEOPLE. I don't want this to be an excuse to set up a US friendly dicator, regardless of what Iraqis want. This will not solve anything in the long run, except maybe gas prices. I want the people to set up a government that will not take the little money being made (and of course, sanctions will not longer be in effect) and spend it all on palaces and gold-plated cars. I want Iraq to be beautiful, like it was twenty years ago.

Again, now is not the time to say No to War. Now is the time to say, What is the Best Possible Outcome to a war already in progress.

And now is a time to pray, to whatever deity you prefer.

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